Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
