I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
