Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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