is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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