I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Couch. On fire.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
