After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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