If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
