Kareoke will never be a sober sport
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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