So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
3 2 1 whiskey
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
