I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize