Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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