one might say we're banned from that church
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
