Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
