Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
