From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I love having hate sex.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
