She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
