dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
