I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
