Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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