2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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