I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
