ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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