all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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