In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I just blew my weed a kiss
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
