Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
