I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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