dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
