he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
