I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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