half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
