I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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