Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
