Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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