Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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