I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
