you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
