i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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