My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
