My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize