I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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