Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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