I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
PANTIES FOUND
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