My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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