and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
