FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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