Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
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