So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
