i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
