I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize