I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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