Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
