Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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