for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
