We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
