it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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