I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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