He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
