failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
