Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
