You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
