so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
