i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize